I honestly believe that he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and come my way in life! I just doubt my abilities to make him happy, I have this ongoing concern/worry/ doubt that I am not good enough for him, that I don't make him as happy/ exuberant/ in love as he makes me. I think that perhaps I am not exciting, surprising or that I am to controlling overbearing. I panic that he will no longer tell me things, keep things from me and think about things that could possibly kill me also known as break my heart. Whilst I am constatnly happy I also constantly feel like crying because of this bullshit that has been ongoing for the last week and a half. Perhaps it's my fault for bringing it up but I know myself and if I keep it inside like I do everything else it'll eat away at me. Why should I have to go through that when I have the most amazing, beautiful, overly generous, extraordinary, unique gift and man in my life and why, when he makes me so happy? Happy is not even the word to describe the how he makes me feel. I've never really been great at articulating my feelings, because I've never thought I have been good enough for anybody. In the past when I did feel perhaps I was at least a little decent I would always get hurt so that is why I shut my feelings away, it is the one thing I am good at hiding from people. Although this episode has hurt more then anything I've ever experienced in my life because I love him unbelievely and just cannot believe this had to happen. In a way it is good that it did in the sense that I can see if he honestly respects me then again I was more hurt by the lying and all the rest of it.
I knew I liked him from the very beginning and was too afraid to admitt it to even my best friends incase I would get hurt. I just love every big and small thing about him, the way he looks at me when I see him, his facial expressions, the way he touches me, kisses me even the way he steers the steering wheel, turns the page of a newspaper, I always get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. He is the only person who i've had an instant spark with and felt so amazing with. I could go and on, I'm sorry. Just that seeing him sad over my insecurities and dislike of people (whom I do like calling his "friends") made my feel like the most horrible, heartless and worst person in the world. I felt broken and disgusted in myself that I did that to him.
Anyway enough is enough of this...I just need to learn how to shut my mouth and hide my feelings once again.
-N-
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